Why Giving from the Heart Can Be So Scary

What kind things do you think but don’t say? How would your life be different if you expressed your love, desire, and gratitude more often to those closest to you? What do you keep to yourself because it feels too scary to share?

The following is an example of a seemingly insignificant moment that I’ve never forgotten because I chose to be guarded rather than vulnerable. When I was in 11th Grade, a friend and I set off on a late afternoon stroll through some pastures in Vermont. There was a golden hue as the spring day was slowly turning to night, and I remember looking at my friend and thinking how beautiful she looked. However, instead of sharing from my heart and telling her what I saw, I bit my tongue and said nothing. How strange to be too shy to extend a compliment, but this happens more frequently than you might think.

Telling someone what we think about them, even the nice things (especially the nice things) can make us feel really vulnerable. It exposes us. And, there’s the potential for rejection or ridicule. What if my friend had thought I was weird or what if she’d turned down my compliment by saying something like, “No, I’m not.” That would have hurt, or at the very least it would have diminished my gift. So, to protect myself, I kept my thoughts to myself.

But, what if I’d pushed through my timidity and my comment was welcomed with a smile? It may have made her day, or maybe even had a deeper, more lasting effect. And, it would have made me feel really good, too. Giving is a powerful act.

It’s quite common to clam up in romantic relationships too. What does your partner do that makes your life easier, more fun, or simply makes you feel good? Do you tell him/her? How often? Although it may sometimes feel contrary to what your mind is telling you to do, giving heartfelt compliments and expressing gratitude is essential to creating connection and intimacy. We may think that these things don’t need to be said, that the other person knows how we feel, but often they have no idea. And, even when they do know, it’s usually nice to hear it anyway.

This is kind of how it feels to be totally vulnerable

Before a recent date, I’d spent a long time getting dressed and styling my hair. One of the first things the man did was compliment my dress. It was amazing to see how something as simple as “I really like your dress” can relieve tension and bring about such feelings of joy. He recognized that I’d put effort into getting ready.

There’s a funny scene in an Adam Sandler movie in which Nicole Kidman’s character and her husband, played by Dave Matthews, tell each other everything they like about each other every time they separate or reunite. It’s funny because it’s annoying. I admit…if we spent all of our time complimenting each other it could get tedious. However, one heartfelt compliment that’s received with a generous “thank you” can be meaningful for both people.

So why is it that it can be such a challenge to share these thoughts? Here’s why: Seldom do we give a birthday present and the recipient says they don’t like it. Even if they abhor it, it’s usually received with some form of gratitude. However, we seem to have no problem rejecting a compliment, which is a gift of spirit. Sometimes we deflect compliments because they either overwhelm or embarrass us, or because we think that somehow it’s more polite; however, there’s grace in receiving. When someone says “thank you,” it honors the giver. What if I’d made a snide comment when my date complimented my dress? I might be thinking that I’m being humble, but really what I’m doing is insulting him.

Giving compliments from my heart can make me feel very vulnerable. My pulse quickens and my palms get sweaty, especially when I feel the stakes are high. Saying to a friend, “Hey, I like your purse” is no big deal. But, saying to a man I’m dating, “When you do x,y, or z, it makes me feel taken care of/cherished/appreciated” can feel really scary because it reveals something deeper. However, as you may remember from an article I wrote a few weeks ago, I’m on a vulnerability quest, and letting people know more often what they mean to me is part of that journey.

Would you like to join me? Let’s make a pact to compliment or express gratitude to at least three people this week, not just for the sake of a compliment but because it’s something meaningful we want to share from the heart.

Samantha’s Garlicky Grilled Green Beans

Although this recipe serves four, I can eat it all in one sitting. I love these beans that much! I first had them at my friend, Samantha’s, house last month (she’s the founder of the awesome Raddish Kids cooking club). I immediately purchased a grill topper so I could make the beans at home. It was easy to say to Samantha, “Wow, these are so good!” However, what I didn’t say is…“I really appreciate how you put so much thought into creating delicious and healthy gluten-free and dairy-free meals when I come to visit. It makes me feel loved and cared for.” This is the kind of expression of gratitude that we often leave unsaid, but it can be the most meaningful. It can feel harder to say, but that’s exactly why we need to say it.

You can purchase a grill topper for about $20. However, if you don’t have one, I’ve had good luck replicating this recipe on the stove with a hot cast iron pan; you just have move the beans around in the pan a lot so the garlic doesn’t burn too much. For some reason the charred garlic from the grill tastes really good (even though I usually dislike toasted garlic of any kind), but on the stove it seems to be more bitter. 


Serves 4

Special equipment:
Grill topper (this keeps the beans from falling through the grate)*

1 lb. green beans, trimmed
3-4 cloves garlic, crushed
1½ Tbsp. olive oil
fresh cracked black pepper and artisanal salt (such as Himalayan pink or French gray)


Heat a gas/propane grill with grill topper to medium heat. Meanwhile in a large bowl toss the green beans with the crushed garlic and olive oil. Sprinkle liberally with salt and pepper and mix to combine. Spread evenly on the grill topper and cook until soft, about 10 minutes. Be sure to turn the beans frequently to ensure an even char. 

*This is the grill topper I purchased. This is not an affiliate link. I do not make money if you click here. I'm not endorsing this product. This is just in case you were curious what the heck a "grill topper" is =). http://amzn.to/1BAotMS

 

Recipe for Mustard-Thyme Marinated Grilled Chicken pictured here

Blessing in Disguise: How Whooping Cough Kicked My Butt & Brought Me Back to Myself

You’re probably familiar with the expression, “A blessing in disguise.” However, sometimes that blessing is so well disguised that no matter how hard you look, all you can see is the anguish that’s ripping at your heart and shredding you into tiny pieces. This might sound a bit dramatic, but that’s truly how it can feel when you’re mired in a difficult situation. No matter how much people may tell you that you’ll be grateful one day to have had this experience or that it’s preparing you for something greater, sometimes you just can’t see it.

Earlier this year, I went through a really difficult patch. This is the first time I’ve talked about this publicly, but I want to share with you what I learned, and so I’ve decided to write about my experience.

Have you ever been so frustrated by your inability to function and be a party to your own life that you had moments where you found yourself pleading with God for it all to be over? That’s what my journey with whooping cough was like. Although most days during my two-month convalescence were passed contentedly watching Sex and the City and Law and Order SVU marathons, there were other days when quelling my tears of frustration took every ounce of energy I could muster.

The most difficult time wasn’t when I felt the worst, because during those weeks I didn’t have the energy to be emotionally involved in my situation. It wasn’t until I was starting to heal that I was aware of how hard it was to have no income and no social interactions. This is when I began to feel the weight of my circumstances. However, this is also when I realized that there had to be a reason, some sort of blessing in disguise.

The months I spent in bed were during the time period I’d originally set aside to jumpstart my career. But when you barely have the energy to feed yourself, spending time figuring out your Life Plan and implementing it is not exactly top on the to-do list. So, I had to let go. I had to go with the flow and allow my body the time it needed to heal.

I began to see this journey as a chrysalis phase, leading to an eventual metamorphosis. I pictured myself cocooned by my surroundings. And when the time was right, when my energy returned, I would soar like a beautiful butterfly. I fully believed this, and this knowledge helped me through the rough days.

The problem was…when I finally felt better, there were bills to pay, articles to write, e-mails to return, and home repairs to do. Nothing felt different. If anything, life felt ho-hum and tedious because there was so much catching up to do.

How could I have made it through such a trying time and feel no different? What was the point? Of course, germs were the reason I was sick. But, wasn’t there a greater reason, something that made it all worth it? Where was my blessing in disguise? 

Gravely disappointed, my heart ached. I was lonely, way behind on work, and as of yet, I couldn’t see any type of personal or professional metamorphosis taking place. My voice shaking, I lamented this to my mom while gasping for air between sobs.

My mom reminded me that even after the butterfly emerges from its chrysalis, it doesn’t immediately fly off to sip a flower’s sweet nectar. Before it spreads its beautiful wings, it first hangs on the branch and waits. The metamorphosis isn’t complete the moment the butterfly breaks through its shell. There’s a waiting period, while it adjusts to its new surroundings and its newfound identity.

Miraculously, from that moment onward, I began to see butterflies in droves, and not always in places where you would expect them.

It’s been about six weeks since I regained my strength. My life hasn’t changed dramatically since my illness; however, once I understood that I needed to be patient, the urgency for transformation was gone and I was able to relax. Once that happened, amazing opportunities began to fall into my lap. I feel more content, sure-footed, and hopeful than I have in a very long time.

Of course, I wish I hadn’t gotten sick, but I am now able to see the blessing in disguise. Had I kept to my plan of vigorously seeking my life plan during the early summer months, I wouldn’t have been in the right frame of mind to open myself to accept the blessings of the Universe. I would have been struggling to attain something, whereas now I feel like I’ve planted some seeds that with gentle care and nurturing will eventually grow strong and vibrant. It will all unfold in due time.

Life throws us curve balls. And although it may not seem like it today, tomorrow, or maybe even a few years from now, eventually you will understand what your challenging experiences taught you and discover the blessing in disguise. Here’s to being patient! Here’s to keeping on keeping on, even when it feels like you’re heading nowhere! Good things are coming your way!

Grilled Chicken Marinated in Mustard-Thyme Sauce

While I was sick I had plenty of time to aimlessly surf the web. I learned a lot! However, the thing that got me the most excited was an article on the ancient mortar and pestle. I immediately ordered a granite one with 3-cup capacity. As soon as I was well enough to prepare food, I began using it to make marinades. Since its arrival in my life, I’ve made some of my very best marinades ever.

The instructions in this recipe are for using a mortar and pestle; however, if you don’t have one, mince the shallots and chop the thyme. Use cracked black pepper in place of the peppercorns.

Serves 3-4

1½ lbs. of boneless skinless organic free-range chicken breasts (2-3 breasts), each one sliced horizontally into 3 thin cutlets

1 lg. (or 2 small) shallots, peeled and rough chopped
¼ tsp. French gray salt, Himalayan pink salt, or other favorite artisanal salt
6 peppercorns
2 Tbsp. fresh thyme leaves, stripped from the stem
1 Tbsp. spicy French Dijon mustard
1 Tbsp. red wine vinegar
3 Tbsp. olive oil 

In a large mortar combine the shallots, salt, and peppercorns. With the pestle, pound until a paste is formed. Add the thyme. Pound the thyme just enough to release the natural oils, but not so much that it’s pulverized. With a fork, whisk in the mustard, vinegar, and oil.

To create thin cutlets, with a sharp knife slice the chicken breasts horizontally (just as you would cut a cake to make layers). I discovered this trick when I only had two chicken breasts, but four surprise dinner guests. Not only is this a good way to stretch the meat, but also it absorbs more marinade, cooks faster and more evenly, and the leftovers fit perfectly in a sandwich.

Put the chicken in a gallon-sized resealable plastic bag and pour in the marinade. With clean hands, massage the marinade into the chicken. This is a good time to imagine love flowing from your heart, through your hands, and into the chicken. Seal the bag and refrigerate for a couple hours or overnight.

Preheat gas grill to medium.

Grill approximately 4 minutes on one side and 3-4 minutes on the other, though this will depend on the heat of your grill and the thickness of your cutlets.

 

Meltdown

Recently I had a meltdown. It was a full on, drag out meltdown, served up with a side of tears and a helping of Tammy Faye Bakker raccoon eyes when my mascara ran.

I’m a happy person. I smile a lot. Usually I can find joy even in some of the most trying situations. Every once in a while, though, this little gremlin sneaks in and turns my normal chipper mien into something wretched, and it feels as though the entire world is imploding on top of me.

When the man at the office supply store said, “Hi. How are you?,” I responded with the customary, “I’m fine. Thank you,” but inside I knew it was a big fat lie. There was nothing fine about how I was feeling. My muscles were weak, my belly ached, and my heart hurt.

I’m not sure exactly how what started out as a beautiful morning turned into such a dark and gloomy afternoon. While it was stormy in my internal world, outside it was a whopping 112 degrees, which may have had something to do with my downward spiral, though my emotions felt very real in the moment.

The day started like any typical morning. I caught up on e-mail in bed and then had my morning tea in the garden. But a small tiff with an acquaintance escalated and by the afternoon, I had spiraled so far down that I wasn’t sure I’d be able to pull myself out. Everything I could possible fret about came to the surface: love, career, money, health…you name it. 

Although the following morning when I awoke I was swollen and dehydrated from crying, I felt infinitely better than I had the day before. The sun was shining again in my inner world and the air was filled with birdsong. Not only did I no longer feel the intensity of emotion of the previous day, but also I felt revitalized and once again excited for the future.

Throughout my life I’ve needed ample downtime. Without it, I just can’t function at full power. However, lately I’ve been going from one thing to the next and haven’t had time to recharge my batteries. I pride myself on being organized and on top of things. For instance, as a teen, I used to write my thank you cards on Christmas Day right after the presents were opened. But lately I’ve been pulled in so many directions that everything is taking a backseat to everything else. It’s like treading water but barely being able to keep my head above the surface.

Summer Storm

Although it’s scary for me to divulge an event as personal as my meltdown, I wanted to share what I discovered about it once I had time to reflect. Although I’ve been riding pretty high lately, I’ve had a fair amount underlying stress that I wasn’t aware of consciously. You know that feeling right before a summer storm? You can feel the pressure building as the sky gets darker and darker. Then there’s a huge clap of thunder, a flash of lightning, and the sky opens up. As the rain falls, you can feel the earth sighing with relief. It can be that way with emotions also, and especially stress.

Although, of course, I would have preferred spending my day doing anything other than being curled up in bed wiping tears and worrying that my life will perpetually be in a holding pattern until I find love, have children, and know the direction I want to go with my career, the meltdown may have been a necessary step in moving forward. I needed to feel and express every possible worry, fear, and insecurity in order to step forward with increased ease and confidence. I can’t guarantee that I won’t have another meltdown, as I most surely will at some point, but I do know that right now I feel more relaxed, less stressed, and more excited than I did beforehand.

It can be overwhelming to give voice to every possible worry and concern that’s ever crossed your mind, but also it can be valuable. Until I started downward spiraling and yammering about all the things that didn’t feel right in my life, I actually wasn’t aware of the many burdens I was carrying.

Relaxing and enjoying downtime with friends post meltdown

Being vulnerable is not a natural state for me. Being happy, joyful, and confident are important to me, and it’s not easy for me to be so open about my moments of profound weakness. Admitting to a meltdown is embarrassing; yet, I also think it’s important for me to do so. There’s value in sharing not only my triumphs, but also my challenging times. If you’re having a rough time, know that it will get better. Perhaps we need the darkness in order to have more light. Just as a butterfly must first be in a chrysalis before spreading its wings, some of us need to acknowledge our pain, fears, and worries before we can grow into the extraordinary beings we were meant to be.

Brochettes de Crevettes aux Herbes

(Provencal-Style Shrimp Skewers with Herbs)

Lately I’ve been too busy to play in the kitchen, which is a Catch-22 since most likely that is the very thing that would bring me more equilibrium. A wise friend told me that her strategy for overwhelm is to simply delete 50% of her “to do” list. The moment I realized that not everything on my list was essential, I felt myself relaxing. I simply have to make time for the things I love. So, I jumped into the kitchen and created these delicious shrimp skewers.

Makes 15-20 skewers

Marinade:
2 cloves garlic, thinly sliced
¾ tsp. sea salt
8-10 large basil leaves, minced
a few sprigs of Italian parsley, minced
1 shallot, minced
3 Tbsp. red wine vinegar
¼ cup extra virgin olive oil
½ tsp. Dijon mustard

Skewers:
1 lb. large shrimp (20-35 count)
2 orange or yellow bell peppers, cut into chunks
½ red onion, cut into chunks
l lb. grape or cherry tomatoes

15-20 ten-inch rosemary sprigs

Finger-lickin’ Garlicky Aïoli:
½ cup mayonnaise
3 cloves garlic, crushed
½ tsp. Dijon mustard
2 tsp. lemon juice
1 Tbsp. extra virgin olive oil

To make the marinade: In a large bowl, combine the sliced garlic, salt, basil, parsley, and shallots. Whisk in the red wine vinegar, olive oil, and mustard. Add the shrimp. Cover and refrigerate while you cut the vegetables and make the aïoli.

Prepare the rosemary sprigs. Remove approximately ¾ of the greenery from the stalk, leaving the rest as a “tail.”

Cut the onions and bell peppers. Set aside.

To make the aïoli: In a small bowl, combine the mayonnaise, garlic, mustard, lemon juice, and olive oil until full mixed. Cover and refrigerate.

Assemble the shrimp, peppers, onions, and tomatoes on the rosemary skewers. Preheat a gas grill to medium. Oil the grill. Place the skewers on the grill. Cooking times will vary depending on the heat of your grill and the size of your shrimp, though about 5 minutes per side is a good rule of thumb. Serve with the aïoli on the side. Enjoy!