Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway

Do you have regrets? Are there things in your life you wish you’d done differently?

The things I regret aren’t the major decisions, but instead they are small moments. These seemingly insignificant events are poignant because I let fear dictate my actions rather than following my heart.

When we make choices based on fear, we limit ourselves and create a narrow—though supposedly safe—environment in which to reside. Pushing boundaries can be extremely scary as there’s a chance of failure, rejection, hurt, and a host of other potentially undesirable feelings; yet, the rewards can be great. When we feel fear and do it anyway, we expand our horizons and open the door to increased joy, love, and fun.

Although you might not know it upon meeting me, I’m quite shy. Over the years I’ve learned to break through my protective shell, but sometimes the little girl who hid under her mother’s skirt creeps back. My inability to speak up for myself has at times prevented me from experiencing my life to the fullest and has sadly left me with some regrets.

When I was in 11th Grade I spent the spring semester at a boarding school in Vermont. Some of the Jewish students organized a Passover Seder. Since I wasn’t Jewish, I didn’t sign up to join them. However, as the big day approached and recipes for Bubbie’s special brisket were being sent from home and students were arguing over the best type of kugel, I noticed that some of the non-Jewish students had signed up to take part in the dinner. But, I was still too shy to add my name to the list. By the day of the Seder, every student in the school, with the exception of three, had signed up. But, by that time the sign up sheet had been taken down. With every ounce of my being I wanted to be there, and I was mortified that my friends would think I didn’t want to celebrate Passover with them; yet, I was too shy to say anything. Even as I write this, twenty years hence, my heart still hurts.

In retrospect I see that not speaking up was far more painful than it would have been to say what I really wanted. But, unfortunately, sometimes we can’t see clearly when we let fear be our guiding light.

A few months ago, I was presented with an opportunity to choose joy over fear, but I nearly chickened out. I was cooking for a retreat, and a woman from Australia mentioned she was going to go to Disneyland after the workshop. The day she planned to go coincided with my birthday, which seemed especially serendipitous since throughout the previous month I’d felt an inexplicable urge to celebrate at Disneyland, but I preferred to go with a companion and didn’t think I’d be able to find anyone to join me.

Despite this seemingly amazing coincidence, I didn’t immediately say, “Hey, I’d love to go with you if you’d like to have company” because the shy girl in me wondered… What if she wanted to go alone? What if she didn’t want to hang out with me? What if she would feel obligated to say, “yes”? But then I remembered the Seder and how I’d spent two decades lamenting giving in to fear. So, I gathered my courage, held my breath, and asked. We ended up spending two amazing days at Disneyland, and it was some of the most fun I’ve had in a very long time. And, in the process I made a lifelong friend.

Feeling the fear but doing it anyway can be scary as hell, but when you speak up for yourself and ask for what you want, miracles can and will abound. Expanding your horizons need not be grandiose; it can be made up of seemingly small moments. A chick doesn’t break out of its shell all at once. It can take up to 24 hours of tapping and pecking before the egg breaks open and the chick is born into the world.

A chick hatching

When in your life have you let fear be your guiding light? When have you been too shy to speak up and ask for what you want? What has prevented you from standing up for yourself? The next time an opportunity arises to choose joy over fear, take the step toward joy. Your palms may sweat and your pulse may race, but you’ll never know what awaits you until you try.

Persimmon Courage Cookies

gluten-free, grain-free, dairy-free, and sugar-free

Although the Cowardly Lion has innate courage that he just doesn’t realize, the special elixir (a medal in the movie) from the Great Oz suddenly makes him able to do the things he didn’t think possible. Like the Cowardly Lion, you are courageous. You have the ability to push your boundaries and expand your horizons. Within you is the capacity to feel the fear and do it anyway. Yet, sometimes it can be helpful to have a bit of encouragement. When you make these cookies with the intention that they will help you overcome perceived obstacles and be able to speak up and ask for what you want, so it will be. With each bite, courage will fill you.

This recipe is based on my Great Grammie D’s persimmon cookie recipe, though she probably wouldn’t recognize it since I made a number of changes and substitutions to make these cookies gluten-free, grain-free, dairy-free, and sugar-free. Don’t tell the rest of my family, but I think I prefer this version.

Persimmon Curd

Makes about 2 dozen

6 medjool dates, soaked
1 cup hachiya persimmon pulp*
½ cup coconut oil
1¼ cup almond meal
½ cup coconut flour
1 tsp. baking soda
½ tsp. salt
½ tsp. cinnamon
½ tsp. cloves
½ tsp. nutmeg
3 eggs, lightly beaten
1 cup chopped walnuts
1 cup shredded unsweetened coconut
1 cup raisins

*If your persimmons are still a few days from being ripe (squishy and nearly translucent), you can expedite ripening by putting the whole fruit in the freezer overnight. When the fruit defrosts, it will be soft enough to use.


Preheat the oven to 325ºF.

Soak the dates in warm water until soft. This will take an hour or two. Scoop pulp from your persimmons until you have one cup. When the dates are soft, remove the skin (if you can) and the pit. Put the dates, persimmon, and coconut oil in a blender. Process on high until smooth. (This creates a delicious Persimmon Curd that can be spread on toast or pancakes.)

In the bowl of a standing mixer combine the almond meal, coconut flour, baking soda, salt, cinnamon, cloves, and nutmeg. Add the persimmon curd and eggs and blend on medium-low until fully combined. By hand stir in the walnuts, coconut, and raisins.

Use a soupspoon to scoop balls of dough the size of a ping-pong ball. Roll the dough in your palms and then gently flatten on the baking sheet into a round disc. These cookies will not spread much in the oven, so form them to your liking before baking them. Bake approximately 18 minutes, or until golden. Remove and cool on the baking sheet for a few minutes before transferring to a wire rack to cool completely.

 

The Gold Star Experiment

When I was a schoolteacher, I carpooled with a woman who went to the gym every day, rain or shine. Even if she had a cold, she’d workout on the treadmill.

I’m not like that.

Actually, I enjoy exercise, but it just takes a lot to motivate me. Justification for not doing it flows from me with the ease of water breaking through a poorly built dam. It’s too cold, too hot, too late, too early. I’m too hungry, too full, too busy, too tired.

I spend a lot of time at my computer. And when I’m not sitting at my desk, I’m usually in the kitchen tasting test batches of new dishes. Unfortunately, this is not the best recipe for optimum health and fitness. As a result, I’ve noticed that I’ve been a bit sluggish lately, and I’m getting pudgy around the middle. So, I decided to try an experiment.

When I was teaching French to elementary school-aged children, I used a reward system that worked incredibly well. Every student got a gold star for the day if they made an effort to speak French. It was remarkable to see how hard they worked for this seemingly small token.

The December Calendar on My Fridge

I wondered if I could apply this same tactic to my own life. So began my Gold Star Experiment.

On the first of this month I posted a calendar on my fridge. Each day contains the words “Exercise” and “Vitamins.” I made it simple because I knew if I set my expectations too high there would be a greater chance I wouldn’t follow through. The goal: take vitamins and do something active every day. Anything from a walk around the block to an intense gym workout counts as “exercise” in order to make it doable for me. 

Keeping track of each day is very helpful. Otherwise, I have a tendency to put things off until tomorrow. But then tomorrow becomes another tomorrow and so on. This way I’m accountable every single day.

To sweeten the deal, I’ve promised myself a special treat if I receive 31 gold stars this month. It’s been years since I’ve played in the snow, and I’ve been missing it. So, a trip to the mountains to ski might be just the extra motivation I need to keep going.

The last time I went skiing was nine years ago. Time flies!

There’s an unforeseen benefit to this experiment. It’s getting me out of the house. There are many benefits to working from home; however, one of the challenges is isolation. As long as I have food in the cupboards, I could go (and have gone) days without setting foot out the front door. I love the flexibility of setting my own hours and the luxury of working in my pajamas, but it can also be a solitary existence. In many ways, Facebook has replaced friendly chats with strangers at the market, and e-mail has supplanted Friday night drinks with friends. I’m not necessarily lonely, but I am alone most of the time.

Upon commencing this experiment and returning to the gym after my long hiatus, I was amazed by how many friendly faces there were. A trainer I didn’t think knew me asked how I’d been, and a man with a beautiful weathered face teased me for my lengthy absence. I didn’t realize that there was such a community I’d been missing.

Additionally, during these cold and dark winter evenings, it’s pretty easy for me to hunker down with a warm blanket and a good movie after dinner and while the time away, glued to the television. But, I’ve been taking many of my walks at night, which has improved my overall sense of wellbeing. The crisp air, the twinkling stars, and the smell of wood smoke are invigorating. And the quiet has given me time to reflect and ponder. I didn’t realize how bereft I’ve been of nature and the outdoors.

The sunset during one of my afternoon walks

The month isn’t yet finished, but so far, the experiment is a success. It seems…Gold stars aren’t just for children!

Do you need a little extra motivation? Do you get enough exercise? Do you eat the way you’d like to eat? What about the vitamins you’ve been meaning to take? What have you been putting off? Consider taking steps today to make it happen. They say it can take two weeks to form a habit. What healthy habit can you form today? Be sure to set reasonable goals and celebrate like crazy every time you accomplish something on your list, no matter how small. Here’s to making every day a gold star day!

Gold Star Gingerbread 

Thick and Chewy OR Thin and Crisp

(Gluten-Free, Dairy-Free, and Vegan)

Often I’m an “all-or-nothing” kinda gal. This month, however, has been a revelation. When I was first embarking on the Gold Star Experiment, I planned to include a host of other must-do activities, including making Green Juice daily and avoiding holiday treats. But then I realized that likely I was taking on too much, and my ambition would set me up for inevitable failure. So, instead, I’ve decided to take baby steps. It’s the holidays after all, and I want to take part in the festivities, which includes savoring occasional treats. For those of us with food sensitivities, however, this can sometimes be a challenge. So, I’ve created a delicious gingerbread recipe that can be enjoyed by those who do not eat gluten, dairy, or eggs. Happy holidays!

Note: This recipe contains almonds. Not suitable for those with tree nut allergies.  

Makes 2 or more dozen (depending on thickness and size)

1¼ cup almond meal
1 cup brown rice flour
½ cup coconut flour
¼ cup sweet rice flour
¾ tsp. baking soda
¾ tsp. sea salt
1 Tbsp. ground cinnamon
1 Tbsp. ground ginger
½ tsp. ground cloves
½ cup coconut sugar
¾ cup all vegetable shortening (such as Spectrum Organic)
¾ cup molasses
¼ cup almond milk

In the bowl of a food processor, combine the almond meal, brown rice flour, coconut flour, and sweet rice flour until fully combined. Sprinkle in the baking soda, salt, cinnamon, ginger, cloves, and coconut sugar and mix again. Add the the vegetable shortening and mix until fully incorporated. Pour the molasses and almond milk into the bowl and process until dough is formed.Pour the molasses and almond milk into the bowl and process until dough is formed. This dough will be quite wet; however, this is necessary because coconut flour is very absorbent. Otherwise, the cookies would be too dry. Divide the dough in two and as best you can, knead each half between your palms. Form a flat disc with each half and wrap them with plastic wrap. Refrigerate overnight (or even longer if you can). It will be too sticky to work with otherwise.

For thick and chewy cookies, roll the dough between wax paper to approximately ¼ inch thick (though I like to go just a bit thicker than that). Use your favorite cookie cutters to make shapes and use a thin, wide spatula to transfer them to a parchment paper lined baking sheet. Bake in an oven preheated to 350ºF for approximately 8-15 minutes. Remove when the centers are set and your finger only makes a slight impression. The thick and chewy cookies may crack a bit in the oven, but hopefully you'll agree that this adds to their charm. Cool the cookies on a rack.

For thin and crisp, follow the directions above; however, roll the dough to approximately 1/8 inch thick and bake at 325ºF for 15-20 minutes. Remove when the centers are firm.

Once the cookies are completely cool, frost with your favorite icing.

Anticipation ~ Builder of Stress and Heightener of Pleasure

I’m a screamer. I scream on amusement park rides, at haunted houses, and whenever I’m startled. And I don’t mean a little yelp from time to time. No way. When I scream it’s a full on pop-my-eyes-out-of-my-head-show-my-tonsils shriek.

This kind of screaming expels stress and can even increase joy.

This is me on the uphill of Splash Mountain: "Oh no oh no!"

Anyone who has ever been on a rollercoaster with me will tell you that I will scream until I’m blue in the face. But, what they don’t know is that the uphill section is often the scariest part for me. Going up in a rollercoaster, I hold my breath, clench my jaw, and repeat over and over again, “oh no oh no oh no!” That’s when my muscles are the tensest and I feel my heart beat the fastest. After so much buildup, screaming on the downhill is a cathartic release and actually…it’s pretty fun.

As the rollercoaster arrives safely at the bottom and eventually comes to a complete stop, that’s when I relax and begin to laugh and joyfully exclaim how exciting it was.

After a recent family trip to Disneyland where I most likely burst the eardrums of aunts, uncles, and cousins, as well as those of a few passersby, I began to think about why we scream and what it is about the uphill that can be so much scarier than the downhill, which for all intents-and-purposes is the scary part, the thrill of the ride. In my pondering, I began to realize how much life resembles an amusement park ride with its ups and downs. Both in life and on a rollercoaster, there’s often a buildup before any potentially stressful or emotionally charged event. However, in life, unfortunately, there often isn’t the opportunity for a cathartic release as there is in the downhill drop of the rollercoaster with the ensuing scream. Perhaps these types of rides are so popular not only because they can be exhilarating, but also because they provide us with a chance to exorcise stress, worry, anxiety, and fear from our bodies in a lighthearted and entertaining way.

And here I am on the downhill: "Aaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!"

Whether it’s the anticipation of something scary, sad, overwhelming, or even exciting, sometimes all the energy goes into the prologue that when the main act arrives, it blows over with little incident. Do you remember the scene in Lewis Carroll’s Through the Looking Glass when the White Queen makes a big fuss about a pinprick that hasn’t yet happened? Once she pokes herself and the blood trickles down her finger, she’s rather nonchalant about the ordeal. She calls it “remembering backwards,” but I think of it more as “anticipation anxiety.”

Just like during the uphill of a rollercoaster, sometimes I have a tendency to build things up in my mind. This, however, can occasionally work to my advantage. For instance, I was so concerned that I wouldn’t be able to finish my master’s thesis on time that I ended up completing it two weeks early. In this case, the anticipation of potentially not succeeding was a useful tool because it kicked my work into high gear. Other times, anticipation can assuage intense emotion. When I was 12 my mom began fretting about the day I would leave home and go to college. With the mere mention of my future departure, she would get teary-eyed. However, when my parents did finally drop me off in a small town in the Berkshires six years later, it was actually my dad who was more emotional. My mom, on the other hand, was like the White Queen with the pinprick.

Although sometimes the side effect of buildup is that the actual event is rendered uneventful—as in the case of the White Queen—anticipation can also heighten our stress or our enjoyment. Often what we're afraid of isn't nearly as bad as we make it out to be in our minds. Sometimes it’s the expectation that an event will be a certain way that wrecks havoc on our wellbeing, not the event itself. For instance, I had some medical tests done recently. Worry pulsed through my veins, but then I realized that until I had the results, concern wouldn’t be productive. So, I relaxed until I knew for sure. And, luckily, the test results came back normal. On the other hand, when I anticipate a great meal rather than eating mindlessly all day, I enjoy it immensely more.

Whether you: 1) remember backwards, 2) remind yourself to wait until there’s something actually worthy of your concern, or 3) scream like hell, here's to releasing worries, fears, and stresses and having fun in the process!

Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies

(gluten-free, dairy-free, and naturally sweetened)

What if rollercoasters were all downhill with none of the uphill? Would we react the same way? Sometimes anticipation is necessary to building excitement. Waiting for these cookies to bake and smelling their heavenly aroma makes that first bite—of warm chocolate mixed with crunchy nuts and chewy oats—even more decadent.

Ever since going gluten free, I’ve been craving a cookie with a cookie-like texture. Many GF cookies are crumbly or overly soft, but these (in my opinion) are perfect. Plus, they have lots of good things in them. Coconut flour is full of fiber and almond meal is packed with protein.

Before starting, make sure all ingredients are at room temperature.

Makes about 2 dozen

1¼ cup almond meal
½ cup coconut flour
½ tsp. baking soda
½ tsp. salt
2/3 cup melted coconut oil
¾ cup maple syrup
3 lg. eggs + 1 yolk
1½ tsp. vanilla extract
¼ cup unsweetened shredded coconut
¼ cup rolled oats
½ cup chopped walnuts
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips

Preheat the oven to 350ºF. Line two baking sheets with parchment paper. Melt coconut oil over low heat on the stove.

In a medium bowl combine the almond meal, coconut flour, baking soda, and salt. Set aside. In the bowl of a standing mixer fitted with a paddle attachment, blend the melted coconut oil and maple syrup on medium until an emulsion begins to form (I usually have to stick my finger in it to taste it at this point!). Slowly add the eggs and vanilla until fully combined. With the mixer on medium-low, mix in the flour blend. If the dough feels too moist, no fear, coconut flour soaks up lots of liquid. In a few minutes it will begin to firm up. Stir in the shredded coconut, oats, walnuts, and chocolate chips by hand. Use a soupspoon to scoop balls of dough the size of a large ping-pong ball. Roll the dough in your palms and then gently flatten on the baking sheet into a round disc. These cookies will not spread much in the oven, so form them to your liking before baking them. Bake approximately 18 minutes, or until golden. Remove and cool on the baking sheet for a few minutes before transferring to a wire rack to cool completely.